I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
