i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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