I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Randomize
