mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
