apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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