My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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