Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize