youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
