dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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