shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize