we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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