i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
