I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
