Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
