M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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