Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
