Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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