Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
