whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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