you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
