Apparently you make a good broom.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
