i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
