Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
