Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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