Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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