Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
