Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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