When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
