He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
