You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
