I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
