she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
