i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
