When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
