Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
