you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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