just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
