we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
