Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize