The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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