we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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