no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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