that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
