Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
