There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
