Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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