One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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