So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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