if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
