Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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