my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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