Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
