god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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