someone threw a dead crab at me
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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