I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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