You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
