tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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