P.S. I can't hear my feet
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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