Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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