I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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