put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
