Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
