i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
