I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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