is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
