My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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