"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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