he puts the penis in happiness.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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