I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
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