I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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