We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
