I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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