I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
