I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
