Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
