I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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