totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
