My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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