What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Success! We fucked roommates!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
